Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul that love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways to make it alone or keep a straight face
And I've always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance
And up up til now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk...
So far this video has 47 million views and there's a reason for it. No matter how many times I listen to it it hits home, it makes sense. Seeing her run out of the church during a wedding and the countless anybodys across from her at dinner-- I know that feeling and I've been there. As apparently at least 40 million other people have too. With divorce rates at 50%, celebrity splits in the news left and right, crying over loves lost with best friends, ice cream and french fries at 2am and the constant reminder of impermanence there's a point and time when you say "forget it." This song is me to a T: you see it, you know better and you want it anyway. Despite your better judgment, what's sensible, what you've observed and know to be true you want to believe that there's someone out there kind of like you who won't fuck you up and leave you hanging dry.
I've tried to weed out the losers, the leeches, the jerks, the lazies, the cheaters and of course, the ones that are already taken and I've always come up empty handed. I want to get married someday, I do, but not until I'm at least 30 maybe 32...35 or 40. I want to leave my 20s to their own, adventurous selves and in that time get myself together, experience everything I could possibly want and never have a doubt as to who I am and what I want. I don't want to rely on anyone for anything. I don't want to get distracted by someone who veers me off of a successful course. I don't want to get wrapped up only to be shredded down later. And honestly, it hurts too much. That feeling of not being good enough for someone else, or realizing this isn't what you wanted anymore. To know that as great of a person as he may be, you can see where things are going and it's a ticking time bomb. I don't want to wait until there's a house, a car and kids in the works before it explodes. I don't want to wake up and look at him, stuck in a mess I can't get out of forced to smile while cooking breakfast, all the while wishing I were somewhere else with someone else. I'm terrified of coming home to a man who smells like someone else's perfume. But sometimes it seems inevitable. The men I come across seem to have no regard for the intoxication that comes with flirtation and equally I would never be the other woman, even if I fell in love. I'm first or nothing and I respect the woman who's already there, whoever she may be, enough to believe that she should be first or nothing too. So then I walk away and I go home alone again. After awhile it's the only way you know how to be; it's the way I prefer to be. I know me, I trust me and I'll always come home to me. So far I've done a really good job of keeping it together. I take care of myself, I do the things that I need and while I can't say I've never had a support system (my family and close friends have always been a key & necessary part of my life), I've never needed that kind of a relationship.
I've hoped that I would find someone as driven as myself, who wants things for himself, who is encouraging and independent and isn't looking for a second mom or a nanny. Someone who gets my humor and can laugh with me as much as he makes me laugh. Somebody who respects my goals and pushes me towards the things I want. Someone who challenges me and will dish it right back without being an arrogant know-it-all. Somebody I don't feel a need to fix in anyway. That man would be the only exception for me. I thought I found him once, but I soon found I was wrong. I'd jumped in despite everything I'd guarded myself against for so much of my life. Then one day, standing in the kitchen, he told me I didn't mean anything to him yet he had the nerve to look at me like I was stupid for thinking his efforts meant he really cared -- like I should have known better because what he was doing was for one purpose only and once he reached it there was nothing left for me. So at 23 I was exactly who I swore I'd never be when I was 14. Ten years stupid and twenty years wiser. So I try not to light any fires in case that spark burns the whole house down. But you can't have the fireworks without the flame and I'm pretty sure that's why we're all watching the show.
And we've got to find other ways to make it alone or keep a straight face
And I've always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance
And up up til now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk...
So far this video has 47 million views and there's a reason for it. No matter how many times I listen to it it hits home, it makes sense. Seeing her run out of the church during a wedding and the countless anybodys across from her at dinner-- I know that feeling and I've been there. As apparently at least 40 million other people have too. With divorce rates at 50%, celebrity splits in the news left and right, crying over loves lost with best friends, ice cream and french fries at 2am and the constant reminder of impermanence there's a point and time when you say "forget it." This song is me to a T: you see it, you know better and you want it anyway. Despite your better judgment, what's sensible, what you've observed and know to be true you want to believe that there's someone out there kind of like you who won't fuck you up and leave you hanging dry.
I've tried to weed out the losers, the leeches, the jerks, the lazies, the cheaters and of course, the ones that are already taken and I've always come up empty handed. I want to get married someday, I do, but not until I'm at least 30 maybe 32...35 or 40. I want to leave my 20s to their own, adventurous selves and in that time get myself together, experience everything I could possibly want and never have a doubt as to who I am and what I want. I don't want to rely on anyone for anything. I don't want to get distracted by someone who veers me off of a successful course. I don't want to get wrapped up only to be shredded down later. And honestly, it hurts too much. That feeling of not being good enough for someone else, or realizing this isn't what you wanted anymore. To know that as great of a person as he may be, you can see where things are going and it's a ticking time bomb. I don't want to wait until there's a house, a car and kids in the works before it explodes. I don't want to wake up and look at him, stuck in a mess I can't get out of forced to smile while cooking breakfast, all the while wishing I were somewhere else with someone else. I'm terrified of coming home to a man who smells like someone else's perfume. But sometimes it seems inevitable. The men I come across seem to have no regard for the intoxication that comes with flirtation and equally I would never be the other woman, even if I fell in love. I'm first or nothing and I respect the woman who's already there, whoever she may be, enough to believe that she should be first or nothing too. So then I walk away and I go home alone again. After awhile it's the only way you know how to be; it's the way I prefer to be. I know me, I trust me and I'll always come home to me. So far I've done a really good job of keeping it together. I take care of myself, I do the things that I need and while I can't say I've never had a support system (my family and close friends have always been a key & necessary part of my life), I've never needed that kind of a relationship.
I've hoped that I would find someone as driven as myself, who wants things for himself, who is encouraging and independent and isn't looking for a second mom or a nanny. Someone who gets my humor and can laugh with me as much as he makes me laugh. Somebody who respects my goals and pushes me towards the things I want. Someone who challenges me and will dish it right back without being an arrogant know-it-all. Somebody I don't feel a need to fix in anyway. That man would be the only exception for me. I thought I found him once, but I soon found I was wrong. I'd jumped in despite everything I'd guarded myself against for so much of my life. Then one day, standing in the kitchen, he told me I didn't mean anything to him yet he had the nerve to look at me like I was stupid for thinking his efforts meant he really cared -- like I should have known better because what he was doing was for one purpose only and once he reached it there was nothing left for me. So at 23 I was exactly who I swore I'd never be when I was 14. Ten years stupid and twenty years wiser. So I try not to light any fires in case that spark burns the whole house down. But you can't have the fireworks without the flame and I'm pretty sure that's why we're all watching the show.
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