You Think You Know, But You Don't Know

I feel like most of this year I've been whining (and wining) about what I want and how I'm not getting it.  Which is dumb.  Sometimes you hit that point where you're like "ugh, my life sucks and it's kinda all you guys' fault."  I never thought I was that kind of person and for the most part I don't think I am but the thing about being a multi-tasking, dynamic and successful person is that it's really effing hard.  There's a reason why some people make history books and have news articles written about them -- because they did something different, out of the norm and challenging.  Which is probably why I've been failing miserably this year at that goal.  Sometimes life feels hard just being life without trying to make it harder.

I don't think I've ever been happy with the idea of being a "normal" person living a "normal" life.  In the back of my mind I've always wanted to be extraordinary at something, constantly challenging myself, doing & learning new things, and making a statement.  I don't feel that it's a reality-show-generation thing, it's a me thing.  Why sit at home and be a waste of space when you can do something really incredible?  I love reading Harvard Business Review, watching videos on TED.com and reading articles about entrepreneurs, political & social leaders, technology, scientific progress, international news...and a lot of the trash on E!.  I love the idea of pushing the boundaries and working to unite under the common cause of equality and humanity. I mean, in college I did miserably on my math testing and got put in basic, but I blew all my peers away in philosophy.  I remember reading about Alcibiades (pronounced al-sih-bye-ah-dees and not al-sibee-ah-dees like I originally thought).  Alicbiades was this over-achieving hot ass Greek dude who was really young and really cocky.  He thought he knew everything because of his success.  Socrates, his teacher, tries to tell him to chill out a bit, kind of a "hey you don't know everything kid."  To which Alcibiades pretty much says "Yeah whatever old man.  Look at me and look at you.  I'm hot, successful and everyone loves me. Please."  And then some shit happens and our buddy Al has a wtf moment while Socrates gives him the "I told you so."  Granted that's a very basic version of the story, but my point is that most people are Alcibiades, particularly young whipper snappers such as myself.  Most of us feel we know all there is to know about things but as it turns out, the more you know the more you realize you don't know things, can't know some things and actually may never really know anything.  Thus comes Socrates 3 levels of knowledge:
1. You think you know, but you don't know
2. You know you don't know
3. You know

Not many people reach stage 3.  Most of us accept the fact that we don't know shit and move on.  But I've come to realize that while I'm very aware of the fact that there are many things I don't know and many things I want to learn, sometimes I can get comfortable and slip back into stage 1.  Yes, we people get comfortable so we get bored and we don't challenge ourselves.  Or at least I haven't.  When you get a routine, even bad ones, it's hard to break it and that's where I've been.

I've been complaining a lot I've realized for the past year on things.  Only recently have I had an enlightening conversation with a fellow employee that made me realize I'm kinda being a dumb betch.  I've really told myself that in turning 25 I need to become a real adult and start living my life the way I intend to live it from here on out.  I always make a set of goals for myself every year on my birthday -- kind of like new year's resolutions but not. I like to say when I was [age] I accomplished this.  Depressingly I'd accomplished not one of my goals when I was 23, after years of hitting many of my goals and sometimes even blowing them out of the water.  It was a real slap in the face.  This year I've been meandering.  I've not done nothing but I've certainly not done everything I can.  I've been lamenting over "becoming a 'real adult'."  I've been trying to mentally prepare myself a lot.  I want to push myself, physically, mentally and professionally.  If I'm not challenging myself and working towards making the world a better place, then why am I alive?

However, the real challenge for me seems to be accepting the fact that I can't do it all at once-- just when I get spurts of energy that quickly burn out and deflate my motivation altogether.  I have to build and adapt and accept that it's ok to lay around and do nothing some days.  I don't need to feel guilty every day because I didn't clean.  I've started getting into habit of doing less.  Instead of planning to do laundry, take out the trash, do dishes, iron, change my bed, mop and clean the bathroom all on Saturday  I should just do dishes before bed, 1 or 2 loads of laundry instead of 10 because I put it off for so long and accept the fact that after a day at work I just need to chill the fuck out.  A 20-30 minute workout daily is better for me than an hour run once or twice a month.  2 loads of laundry a week is more manageable than 8-10 every 1.5-2 months (I've seriously put off laundry that long).  I may be insulin resistant but I don't have to completely give up foods I like.  I'm trying to find ways to ease myself into adult life.  Because to me, "adult life" means being responsible, getting things done and not making excuses.  Sort of like Demi Moore in J.I. Jane.  But I guess it means that I need to learn how to prioritize too.  I can't always have what I want or do what I want, but I need to push for those things all the same.  I want to save money and be "fiscally responsible."  I've started looking at IRAs, lifetime insurance -- things adults have.  I want to get a 2nd job so maybe I can pay off both of my credit cards by the end of the year instead of just cutting them in half.  I want that Louis bag (and I found it at about 1/5th the price on a website because it's from at least 3 seasons ago and they just want to get rid of it now).  I've accepted the fact that there's nothing wrong in spending money to have some nice things as long as I can actually pay for it.    I also accept the fact that the earlier half of your twenties is meant for fun and the latter half will probably be spent making up for the earlier half.  I realize I'm going to have to lock myself away to the Corporate America system working no less than 60 hours a week to keep student loans, credit cards and life expenses in check until I'm at least 30.  If I got a 2nd job and did nothing but put all that extra money towards my student loans, I could knock in out in 3-4 yrs or less instead of 7-10.  My mind is overwhelmed with possibilities, which I guess is a good thing in comparison to its opposite.  It seems that even as I write it out, I feel like I know what I want, what I need to do but then maybe -- really -- I don't even have a clue.